James : Rants

Freedom Of Information email disclosure

Dear Paul,
I do hope you are enjoying your holiday.
I have a few requests for some improvements to my working environment, which are detailed below:

1) There is to be a jazz band playing in my room from approx. 10am every day, which must disperse no earlier than 6.30pm (and 5.30pm on a friday)
2) There is to be a large coffee stall (manned) directly adjacent to my mouth at all times
3) A 100Gbit Fibre will be installed directly, and in line-of-sight between capfs1 and my terminal. Traffic travelling on this line shall be considered priority one, and capfs1 will close all other pending connections when traffic arrives on it.
4) All CSG staff will be re-tasked as my permanent on-site tech support, effective immediately. They will stand with their arms folded neatly behind my monitor at all times until needed.
5) The water cooler will be moved adjacent to my hand; and thus mouth
6) My blood sugar will be monitored by a full-time member of staff, and when it falls below acceptable levels non-fair-trade chocolate will be placed lovingly in my mouth.
7) My squeaky office chair will be replaced with an camp, extravagant white leather suite
8) I require a highlighter (yellow)
9) Absolute silence is to be maintained outside my window, such that when it is opened I do not have to listen to the likes of air conditioners, ill-maintained fans, screaming babies and the like. The only sound must be the jazz from item 1) above.
10) I require a mobile phone mast to be installed in my face, as per my recent article on the subject.
11) The suite as in item 7) above is to be cleaned twice daily.
12) Electrical power is to be turned off to the fire alarm system at once, it is a nuisance and much a folly
13) My desk will be replaced with a beautiful 1800s banquet table in mahogany, preferably with walnut veneer. Holes will be recklessly drilled in this for the fibre as in item 3) above.
14) Wireless connectivity will be improved to the point where it is useable. A young boy will follow my laptop around with a wireless base station at all times. This role may be combined with the role in item 2) above for cost effectiveness.
13) All power sourced from renewable sources will be immediately disconnected, and replaced with diesel generators exhausting into primary schools.

Please advise once work commences on the above.

Warmest and most fervent regards,
James

Dear James,

I am indeed enjoying my holiday.
In addition, I have started instigating your requests.

The Jazz band have said that they are unable to meet your requests on
short time scales. They are only able to perform between the hours of
3am and 7am. I have actioned this anyway as although I do not expect
you to be present when they are playing, I believe it will improve the
general ambience of the room, with the knowledge that such activities
are occurring.

Please see Mrs Compton about the order for a leather suite. Please note that you must stick to approved college suppliers, but I gather this will not be a problem as I believe the rector uses only the finest white leather furniture.

Faster,
Paul