Click each page to enlarge:

I have a £50 gift voucher that expired in January – do you think they will still accept it?

My intuition is that the shop will try to refuse it, adamantly pointing to the expiry date “clearly printed” on the voucher. But have they any right to refuse it? Surely the writing is quite clear, the voucher has expired? In fact, UK contract law disagrees.

For a term to be effective it must be brought to the attention of the other party before the contract is entered into.

In the case of Thornton v Shoe Lane Parking Ltd [1971] 2 QB 163 where the motorist thought that he should not be bound by a term on a printed parking voucher disclaiming liability, the famous judge Lord Denning points out:

The customer is bound by those terms as long as they are sufficiently brought to his notice before-hand, but not otherwise. He is not bound by the terms printed on the ticket if they differ from the notice, because the ticket comes too late. The contract has already been made. The ticket is no more than a voucher or receipt for the money that has been paid on terms which have been offered and accepted before the ticket is issued.

In a similar case (Olley v Marlborough Court Hotel [1949] 1 KB 532), a woman was a long-staying resident at a hotel. One day her fur coat was stolen while she was out, and she sued the hotel for negligence. On the back of the door to her room was the sign “The proprietors will not hold themselves responsible for articles lost or stolen, unless handed to the manageress for safe custody.”. It was shown that this term, being printed in the room, was not brought to her attention before the contract was made and so the hotel could not rely upon it. They probably hoped that most people would read the sign and not attempt to hold the hotel liable; and this is likely the case with the gift voucher.

So what would constitute the required level of notice? It is clear, that provided the expiry of a right to their performance under a contract is a legal term at all, which I think it is, then should the shop assistant bring it to your attention before the contract is made then then the writing on the back would only serve as a reminder to what you have agreed.

In a related case where a company wished to exempt itself from all liability for damage to orange juice stored in its warehouses, Denning made his now-famous statement:

This brings me to the question whether this clause was part of the contract. Mr. Sofer urged us to hold that the warehousemen did not do what was reasonably sufficient to give notice of the conditions within Parker v South Eastern Railway Company. I quite agree that the more unreasonable a clause is, the greater the notice which must be given of it. Some clauses I have seen would need to be printed in red ink on the face of the document with a red hand pointing to it before the notice could be held to be sufficient.

So there you have it. If you have any ‘expired’ gift vouchers lying around I suggest you redeem them. I wonder how much the companies make each year in discarded vouchers from the people’s presumption that the term holds?

Write a program to print the prime factors of 18

if you don’t write:

System.out.println("2, 3, 3");

but instead write a prime factoriser for N, then -1 productivity point.

Now, when I home-button an app it is totally unclear what that means. If I home-button Mail, it seems to resume where it was before (which it always did). If I home-button Safari I gather it is suspended and allowed to continue running certain tasks. But if I home-button the calculator, what does that mean?

Double-tapping the home button seems to bring up a list of all the programs that I have recently used, with no indication as to the meaning of the list. They can be removed from the list by holding down on one, and then pressing the red minus. I have a list of apps sitting there that doesn’t *seem* to mean anything. It is totally unclear what that list represents. What on earth is the Clock app doing down there? What does it mean if I close it? What is the meaning of the calculator icon down there? Should I close that? Is it using memory? Surely it makes absolutely no difference whether I close it or not, since it remembers the result of the last calculation anyway? If it makes no difference, why am I given the choice? Is this supposed to be a list of recently-used apps, then? If so what is the point in that – it takes longer to go and see if the app is in there than it does to find the original app from where it belongs!

People look for common functionality between things they are used to. When something is presented to a user that is very much like something they are used to, the concepts will converge in their mind. To save time repeating old learning they will naturally assume it is much the same metaphor/functionality as that other thing. It is quite hard to understand a new concept if it is apparently similar to an old one but functionally different. We are used to closing Microsoft Outlook when we are done with it, and having it sit at the bottom right when it is just quietly waiting for email. How does this map to the multi-tasking on the iPhone? Do I have to close apps with the little red minus sign when I no longer want to hear from them? How can I tell the apps for which multitasking has meaning, and which just hang around in the tray?

Finally, how do I get back my double-tap ‘phone shortcut? When I need the actual phone function (remember that?) in a hurry (to call someone walking away from me rather than running after them… to call the police?) it takes quite a lot of time to bring it up, and lots more time waiting for animations to complete that kick off when I double-tap rather than triple-tap-double-hop and skip. Ugh.

public class LazyFactory {
 
	private Object oUnsafe;
	private Object oSync;
 
	public Object get() {
		Object o = this.oUnsafe;
		if (o == null) {
			Object notNull = crateNewIfNeeded();
			oUnsafe = notNull;
			return notNull;
		} else {
			return o;
		}
	}
 
	synchronized Object crateNewIfNeeded() {
		if (oSync == null) {
			oSync = getExpensiveNewInstance();
		}
		return oSync;
	}
 
	/** Don't call this too often! */
	Object getExpensiveNewInstance() {
		try {
			Thread.sleep(500);
		} catch (InterruptedException ignored) {}
		return new Object();
	}
 
}

Unless I’ve done something stupid:

1. oSync is only ever read/written inside a synchronized block which guarantees only one expensive object will be created, and that the value of oSync will always be visible between Threads.
2. oUnsafe may be written to 100 times because the changes written by one Thread aren’t seen by another according to the Java Memory Model, but the worst that can happen is a Thread encounters synchronization.
3. I am assuming that non-volatile writes are eventually propagated and visible by all threads, and that when this happens the Object can be got without even synchronization.

Happy Birthday Phillums!

Worst offender: Barclays iBank online banking. Using the back button logs you out. Bastards.

I thank you.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Proved. Brilliant.

Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.

‘xcept if you’re Jesus.

The end.

• The Weather
• Generic acts of autocratical tyranny
• The fact that the Starbucks ‘bar and grille’ in Fulham Palace road fails to purchase enough croissants every single day – a croissant is probably 8p wholesale (I don’t know I’m not a corporate buyer) but they sell them for £29.99 so if they bought a box of 500 and threw most of them against the WALL they would STILL make a profit – but no, they are INCOMPETENT and buy only FOUR per day which means the smug women comparing the size of their babies every morning get through all four of them before I’m even there (you know who you are, yes you called your child Oswold, well done, very middle-class etc) and hence I have to eat a DISGUSTING piece of ‘granola bar’ CRAP which makes me almost violently sick
• The JCR which fails for a similar reason to Starbucks ‘bar and grille’ because if you fail to take your lunch before the quality-food cutoff at 12.05pm every day after which they have sold ALL food worthy of consumption by a mammal then the entire selection is some ABOMINABLE ‘Full of Beans’ POO which isn’t even a flavour of sandwich and a ‘Cheese Feast’ which is unspeakably foul, who the hell would have a cheese feast anyway that’s not even a thing, and the only thing left is one small red sliver of dying dragon’s tongue that they have the effrontery to call pizza and which you wouldnt eat unless it was your desire to wake up enslaved by a parasitic stomach worm unable to tell the difference between soft brown earth and the delicious lining of your abdomen.
• Middle-class people, who when buying their skinny mocha-frappa sugar-free static void synchronized latte with a vanilla shot and a pink decorative umbrella insist upon it being ‘Fairtrade’ and hence their entire obligation to the third world is complete and they can have a loud and smug conversation about how good their farts smell that everyone has to listen to but then drive their series of World War II tanks home smug in the knowledge that they are perfect citizens.
• Pedestrian crossings
• Blunt razor blades

… but the MOST irritating thing in the whole world, even more irritating than the worthy contenders above is:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7282308.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7283112.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7284895.stm

the following was found floating upstream in the Thames, presumably away from the Houses of Parliament.

Edit: 12th Marth – I note the prophecy of my words: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7290372.stm

<voiceover> Paul has applied for a job at a local restaurant. Little does the owner know that he is just pretending to be a restaurant waiter, and is in fact a confidence trickster. He is skilfully conning the restauranteur out of £6 an hour. Lets see if he can out-earn fellow trickster Alexis?

<voicover> A busy urban street in west london. Not much is going on here, or is it? Alexis is walking down the road with an umbrella and is being filmed from inside a cereal packet at a low angle. He is on his way to a curry house to order a delicious meal for two. But instead of eating the meal, he skilfully extracts the energy stored in the hot food and uses it to charge his mobile phone. He pays for the meal and departs, leaving the naive restaurant owner to realise what has happened.

<voiceover> Jess has dressed herself as an ordinary supermarket legume. This man is going to buy her and take her home; and when he does she will steal his identity.

<voiceover> Jess is pretending to be the indigenous population of northern Greenland. She is enticing nearby countries to trade with her, and in just six hours she has managed to earn herself a tidy seven pounds – all of which is tax free. Admittedly this is less than Paul working fraudulently at the restaurant. Would you have been fooled by this all-too-common stunt?

<voiceover> Paul is appearing in court for murdering and killing a mother and her four children. The children are safe – but little does the judge know that while the court is in session Jess has stolen the ornate brass doorknobs from the closed courtroom doors. On the street these will each fetch £14.

<voiceover> some closing rhetoric

[enough]

Dear Paul,
I do hope you are enjoying your holiday.
I have a few requests for some improvements to my working environment, which are detailed below:

1) There is to be a jazz band playing in my room from approx. 10am every day, which must disperse no earlier than 6.30pm (and 5.30pm on a friday)
2) There is to be a large coffee stall (manned) directly adjacent to my mouth at all times
3) A 100Gbit Fibre will be installed directly, and in line-of-sight between capfs1 and my terminal. Traffic travelling on this line shall be considered priority one, and capfs1 will close all other pending connections when traffic arrives on it.
4) All CSG staff will be re-tasked as my permanent on-site tech support, effective immediately. They will stand with their arms folded neatly behind my monitor at all times until needed.
5) The water cooler will be moved adjacent to my hand; and thus mouth
6) My blood sugar will be monitored by a full-time member of staff, and when it falls below acceptable levels non-fair-trade chocolate will be placed lovingly in my mouth.
7) My squeaky office chair will be replaced with an camp, extravagant white leather suite
8) I require a highlighter (yellow)
9) Absolute silence is to be maintained outside my window, such that when it is opened I do not have to listen to the likes of air conditioners, ill-maintained fans, screaming babies and the like. The only sound must be the jazz from item 1) above.
10) I require a mobile phone mast to be installed in my face, as per my recent article on the subject.
11) The suite as in item 7) above is to be cleaned twice daily.
12) Electrical power is to be turned off to the fire alarm system at once, it is a nuisance and much a folly
13) My uninspiring, generic desk will be replaced with a beautiful 1800s banquet table in mahogany, preferably with walnut veneer. Holes will be recklessly drilled in this for the fibre as in item 3) above.
14) Wireless connectivity will be improved to the point where it is usable. A young boy will follow my laptop around with a wireless base station at all times. This role may be combined with the role in item 2) above for cost effectiveness.
13) All power sourced from renewable sources will be immediately disconnected, and replaced with diesel generators exhausting into primary schools.

Please advise once work commences on the above.

Warmest and most fervent regards,
James

Dear James,

I am indeed enjoying my holiday.
In addition, I have started instigating your requests.

The Jazz band have said that they are unable to meet your requests on
short time scales. They are only able to perform between the hours of
3am and 7am. I have actioned this anyway as although I do not expect
you to be present when they are playing, I believe it will improve the
general ambience of the room, with the knowledge that such activities
are occurring.

Please see Mrs Compton about the order for a leather suite. Please note that you must stick to approved college suppliers, but I gather this will not be a problem as I believe the rector uses only the finest white leather furniture.

Faster,
Paul

Answers:

a) Correct. First years: design all your circuits like this.
b) The wires will fill up with electrons until they are too big to fit in a torch
c) Problematic in practice: they will argue about it
d) Each voltage is greater than the one to the left and to the right of it

• Running out of olive oil
• Runnout out of potpourri
• A “Safe-Way” opening within 800 miles of a loved one
• Being robbed in the night
• The cancellation of Heartbeat¹

Fig.1: Some delicious potpourri

These concerns will be addressed in order of priority.

1. Oilve oil can be purchased at Waitrose.
2. Potpourri is just stuff from the bin.
3. The middle class are far more likely to be robbed than a new Safeway store opens.

Fig.2: This man is certainly from the east end

There is a large amount of controversy surrounding whether one should defend themselves from possible attack in their own home. At what stage is it acceptable to defend one’s self? Is pre-emptive defence a form of unmitigated attack? Does a person give up their right to expect safety when entering a home illegally?
There have been numerous cases where people have been imprisoned for harming a person found in their house. Unfortunately, being robbed in the night by some despicable pirate porch-climber is becoming more and more likely, and one can find as many stories about people being attacked in their own home as they can stories about teenagers over-eating and having sex.

Intruder attacks woman in kitchen
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/4556788.stm

Pensioner frightens intruder with stick
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/1759106.stm

Man assaulted by intruder at home
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/4160126.stm

Pensioner is attacked in her home
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/3862769.stm

The middle class have an almost unearthly desire to bash something in the head, but unfortunately they recently must also conform to the same laws as the common.³. The more a burglar expects to be attacked when entering a home, the more likely he is to arm himself. The only action one may take and guarantee to avoid prosecution when faced with a potential intruder is to calmly turn to one’s spouse and state:

“Margaret! Margaret! I see it so that you have awoken. Downstairs there is a burglar. This offends me primarily in that my most sacred sanctity of possession has be unduly violated, and my perception of innate refuge within my domicile henceforth abandoned. But judge us not, dear Margaret the nature and disposition of those who wish to defile our sanctimonium of conciliation. Let us return to sleep and hope, that as we do so we will be pierced not by cutlasses of malevolence but enter the innocuous kingdom of placidity – and in which point I shall take no further action.”

 
In years past, the easy solution was to hire a local huntsman to stand near your house, who would simply fire his blunderbuss³ in all directions until tea time.

Fig.3: Each terrible robber is more dead than the one to the left and to the right of him

This rather dated approach to home safety has become unfashionable since huntsmen are imaginary.
The following popular methods have also reliably shown themselves to be ineffective against burglars.

• Fig.4: You might as well go fishing

• Fig.5: Arming one’s self both to and from the teeth

• Fig.6: The house is easily lifted to remove valuables

• Fig.7: Just be nice, maybe he will go away

Under English law none of the above ways to secure the home are acceptable (bar being nice, which is specifically ineffective). In 1628 Sir Edward Coke, a member of parliament and legal advisor to King James wrote:

“It is against reason, that if wrong be done any man, that he thereof should be his own judge.” For it is a maxime in law, aliquis non debet esse judex in propria causa.

This would imply that upon suspecting an intrusion in the home, for one to leap down the stairs with a cricket bat in the bloodthirsty manner of a starving hyena is illegal.

“Householders who injure or even kill intruders are unlikely to be prosecuted – providing they were acting ‘honestly and instinctively‘, new guidelines say. The law also protects those who use ‘something to hand‘ as a weapon.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4224473.stm

Under my interpretation of UK law, if a burglar somehow perishes in your home and no body is ever found, or DNA recovered, or admissions made or guilt felt then that is definitely legal. One evening whilst pondering this in a restaurant I happened across a particularly fine example of the ubiquitous electric wire fly-catcher device. Every few minutes a fly would try his chances near the kitchen and meet his end in doing so.

Fig.8: Inspiration often comes from the kitchen

This genius device attracts the fly away from the delicious food under preparation towards a pleasant blue glow. Unbeknownst to the fly, between himself and said glow is a terrible, terrible electric grate which upon crossing abolishes the fly immediately. The crucial part to this is the fly enters the grate of his own free will. Would it not be frightfully cunning if such a device could be extended to catch humans, also?

I hereby present:
    “The James Englishman’s House Burglar Ensnaglerer“:

Fig.9A: The James Englishman’s House Burglar Ensnaglerer

As one can see, the same principle has been applied as per Fig. 8. The vilest embezzler de la nuit has been cleanly and efficiently extinguished by the 3000 trillion volt (DC) potential of the Burglar Ensnaglerer. (Simple calculations suggest that a human thief has 10 times the bad intention of his fly relative). He will become stuck to the outer mesh⁵ until safely removed at arm’s length with a broom.

If you represent a middle class family with a desire to purchase one or more Burglar Ensnaglerers, please get in touch with me to discuss pricing:

:: james at jgubby dot com

Appendixes
¹ Heartbeat (noun): a programme which serves only to accommodate the prejudice of the middle class.
² Blunderbuss (noun): like a gun but far more middle class

Appendix 3: Cow Granny. It is not uncommon for the elderly proletariat to be cows.

Appendix 4: Here is an artists rendering of a burglar upon realising there is a large amount of gold afoot. For some reason his brain is visible.

Appendix 5: Failure to remove the burglar from the ensnaglerer will result in the slow and disgusting deterioration of the burglar.

Fig. 9B : The longer you leave it, the less pleasant it is to clean.

NB: Always consult a qualified electrician before prying the bastard remains of the burglar from the device.

With the prevalence of ridiculous ill-informed articles on the subject of mobile phone masts I would like to finally set the record straight in this highly misunderstood field. I also aim to include as many puns on the word ‘field’ as possible.

Here are a few shining examples:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2004/11_november/08/masts.shtml
“I don’t think it is acceptable… we have got charge of other people’s children – taking charge of them and meeting health and safety regulations elsewhere. But we can’t stop the airwaves coming in.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news/032002/08/mast_emissions.shtml
“I really feel it must be the link that the main beam is beaming directly through our houses into the town of Crediton and unfortunately we’re in the wrong place.”

“The fact of the matter is we don’t know whether there’s a link or not,” said Mr Bristow.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/westmidlands/series6/phone_masts.shtml
“Despite the lack of evidence proving any link between phone masts and ill health, the residents of Wishaw finally get what they have been fighting for.
The mast’s removal comes not from the tireless campaigning of SCRAM however, but a group of vandals who pull down the 60 foot mast under the cover of darkness.”
(Irony: The vandals probably received about 500 years’ worth of exposure by going that close to the mast)

http://www.noemr.com/whatyoucando.html
“The mobile phone signal is over-engineered by a factor of about one million”
What a piece of crap… this is like saying “The mobile phone is too square by a factor of its weight”

But I think the ill-educated public outcry is best summarised by the following:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nottingham/content/articles/2006/05/05/mobile_phone_mast_groundswell_feature.shtml
Kay Rose, one of the leaders of the protest group, said she was worried about the proximity of the mast to both her house and the school where her two young boys will be attending. She says, “I just don’t know what the health risks are in relation to the masts being located close to the schools and the houses, and if it is going to cause us any harm. Until we do know more, I don’t want the mast near my house or near the school. The more research I do, the more worried I become.”

Quick search of bbc.co.uk reveals this many articles for devon alone:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news/032002/08/mast_emissions.shtml
http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news/092001/24/phone_masts.shtml
http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news/052001/22/masts.shtml
http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/have_your_say/phone_masts.shtml

Some other amusing articles:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/herefordandworcester/talk/masts.shtml
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/actionnetwork/A2019584
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/mobilephones/index.shtml
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/tvradio/programmes/shouldiworryabout/mobiles.shtml

The following diagram shows some school children enjoying a geography lesson, their mothers safe in the knowledge that the nasty phone mast is 1km away and cannot possibly hurt their children.

Fig.2: Mrs Cooper is the children’s favourite geography teacher, due in large part to her commendable tolerance and age-defying liberalism.

Fig.3: The ‘far field’

The authorities have instead placed it on a “far field”, vindicating the people’s weeks of vigourous homemaker-style protesting and uninformed indignation.

Here is little Johnny and his friend little Ronny. He is happily discussing stickers and loony-toones products on his portable telephone with a friend, Ronny. The prefix ‘little’ is a common emotive device used here to imply explicit vulnerability to electromagnetic radiation.

Fig.4: Little Johnny

Fig.5: Little Ronny

Assume that if little Johnny were 10m from the nasty mobile phone mast, his phone would need to transmit 0.1mW to communicate successfully with the mast. The mast would need to send something similar back. Therefore there are two components to the amount of radiation going into Johnny’s soft soft brain tissue, one from his handset and one from the mast.

This can be proved by taking an EM photograph of a child skipping through a field of daises.
Look at his appealing childish irreverence.

Fig.6: Irradiated child number 49312

The inverse square law states that at 20m the phone needs to transmit 0.4mW, at 30m it would transmit 0.9mW and so on. At 1km a mobile needs to transmit 1W to maintain the same level of communication, which is 10,000 times more energy. A mobile phone is able to transmit up to about 2W if it needs to in order to maintain a good signal.

Extensive testing has been conducted to determine the safe levels of electromagnetic radiation entering the human head. After a few centimetres the field has died down to near-zero, suggesting that it is totally absorbed and turned into heat. It has been empirically determined that this heating should not exceed 2 W kg^-1 (watts per kilogram) of body tissue.

Fig.7: Bad science

A typical mobile phone mast might transmit around 60W of energy, which could all be absorbed by a human if he were standing right next to it. Since it’s beam width is around 60 degrees wide, this means that at 1m the power as seen by a person 50cm wide would be:

At 2m he would absorb 119mW, and at 3m 53mW.

The following diagram shows the siting of a mast 1km from a school with 9 students all on the phone.

Fig.8: Looking down onto the top of the children from above.

The contribution at this distance from the mast itself is negligible. However, 9 mobiles each transmitting the required 1W means that each student is holding a 1W transmitter directly by his head. Assuming it transmits uniformly in a sphere, this is probably about 0.5W into each child’s brain.

I therefore propose the mobile phone mast be moved onto the roof of the school, aimed straight downward towards the children.

Fig.9: Optimal location of the transmitter.

Here of course the contribution from the mast is much higher than before since it is mere feet from their eager young minds.

Assuming a child has a diameter of 0.5m from above, and the mast again transmits a 60 degree beam. At 30m (the height of any good school) the power passing through the child is the ratio of his area to the flat area of the conical wave-front:

Fig.10: Don’t worry what this is if you are stupid or fat

So at 30m, a child of width 0.5m will pick up 0.013% of the energy, or 7.63mW from the mast. The difference is; each phone will need to transmit something similar to get back to the mast, (say another 7.63mW) so half of this will go into his brain, giving a total of 11.4mW.

Conclusion
I have proved it is safer to put a mobile phone mast on top of a school than anywhere else in the country, other than in the sea.

I foresee a world in which children are encouraged to use mobile phones rather than warned of the dangers of unproved technologies.

Fig.11: One of the many applications of the mobile phone

Caveat: These calculations are exceptionally spurious at best, and come from almost no knowledge or indeed study of the field.

APPENDIX

APPENDIX Fig.12: This child is clearly off his face on EM waves of the worst kind.

APPENDIX Fig.13: Nobody likes this child because of his slightly incredible appearance, but his oversized ear gives credence to the view that children are evolving to use mobile phones as their primary method of communication.

Procrastination is like masturbation: its great fun until you realise you’ve fucked yourself.

First off, the classic Parker cartridge fountain pen (blue). Made in the UK this attractive model comes in blue, red and black bases, and takes the ubiquitous parker ink cartridge. Offering smooth, even writing and non-calligraphic lines this is sure to be the mainstay of any concerted revision effort. Having owned mine since I was born I can say that without it much of the exams I have revised for would have suffered.

Next in the line-up is the Pilot VBall Grip. With its superb, refined penmanship and a low cost of £1.99 (Union walkway shop) I couldn’t resist adding one to my collection. Personally opting for the red I cannot honestly say I have ever encountered a line more suitable for highlighting equations not found in the formulae book. The lubricated ball and rubber grip provide a writing experience that leaves one screaming out: “Margaret, can you get me another Pilot VBall Grip in blue please, such that I can write in blue, also.“.

Next is the 0.9mm Pentel P209. This propelling lead pencil was initially made popular by architects and designers in the 80s, but has come on from there to be the pencil of choice for anyone serious about block diagrams and parallel lines. With a good solid infrastructure and a corrugated grip it is unlikely to let you down. Accidentally stolen from Tom Brodrick last week, already this isn’t a pencil I would leave home without – it really is a thorough ravishment each and every time it is employed.

If Tom realises I’ve got his pen and asks for it back, I shall be safe in the knowledge that in my bag is the BiC Matic 0.5mm #2. A considerable upgrade from the acutely miserable world of the #1, which suffered from frequent malfunctions of the main lead riser-gripper – often leading to a stalling of the mechanism.
French, the BiC is very much an entry-level unit for those looking for a gentle introduction into the world of the propelling pencil. The BiC Matic is sold in packs of three (£2.99 from Ryman). Like the Pentel, this attractive yet inexpensive model contains an in-built (although woefully ineffective) hydrocarbon polymer eraser which can be replaced by the user. For more substantial errors, however I would suggest the Ryman Rubber (£0.79). It particularly lends itself to drawing sine and cos waves, but it is also adept at drawing diagrams of communication systems.

Summary

These are just a few of the high-quality pens available from most competent stationers. Anybody with a desire to do so can easily spend a good hour refining their choices until they achieve the perfect combo for any task.

(Further to Pietro’s blog post)

I do hope you are getting on well with your C++ assignment, which from the sounds of it is going down like a lubed anvil. Couple of things id like to get off my chest, if I may be so bold.

1. Hash Maps

A hash map is none of the following:

1. A linked list
2. A “big” array
3. A binary tree
4. A balanced tree
5. A “happy” atlas

If we store our records in a linked list, we can access them by scanning along and comparing the key until we find the right one. If the list is unsorted and of an unknown length this will take at worse N comparisons (and increments) where N is the length of the list. If the list is sorted and of a known length then it will take Log(N) comparisons (binary cut), but to get to each node one must still traverse the list in that direction, so it in fact takes (I believe… john?) xLog(x) (i.e the order of the integral of log(x)). So sorting a linked list and binary chopping is therefore futile unless you can access elements without scanning. Don’t iterate over list.at(i)!

Enter: the hash map. Let us say we are storing students with a cid and a name. The key will be the id. We know that these are evenly distributed between odd/even so we could construct two linked lists, one with the evens and one the odds. This would cut the average search time in half. Thus the hash function (which decides which list to enter) would be cid%2. Obviously this generalises quite nicely, so if we have 10,000,000 students we could have 100 lists from our table and use cid%100 as the hash function.

However, when running on a computer that has even a marginally faster clock rate than a wall clock, there is no fucking difference – just search the damn list and get on with something more useful.

Here is the only code you need to look for records:

class Record {
int cid;
string name;
};

};

I thank you.

2. Simulating Circuits

Here is a circuit:

(circuit)

The aim is simulate its behaviour using an event queue. There are two different types of entities here, nodes (blob) and gates. Both share common functionality, they have an output value (Vo) and a set (see above) of outward connections. This makes traversing the network in the same direction as the input changes propagate easy.

So:

class Device {
int Vo;
int delay;
JamesList drivenDevices;
};

class Gate : public Device {};

Good. Some good stuff there. So when the user presses the button for node a to change its voltage to 1, we create an event in the event queue (an ordered list of some kind). Then start the simulation by making the first event happen. The output of a device only changes when the event is actually executed, not when we realise that a change must happen. The time difference between these is the propagation delay of the device (for a node this = 0).

I think the event execution should go something like this:

void simulate(int until)
{
EventListNode *runner;
runner = events->head;

//We're done, so delete the events.
events->clear();
}

I do hope that makes some sense, since I have personally given up caring.
Its also important that the ordered event list puts new events with the same time as existing events after the current ones, else they will be missed.

Love and cuddles,
James

:: james at jgubby.com

how so ever dare you steal my phone you night-felcher of the soul, you vile incumbent crab, you poo munching pavement beast, a fool go with thy soul; whither it goes! you minge clipping fat scab human excrement faced disease that must be cut away, you racoon-rimming grotesque ceiling felcher with a rectangular monkey who deserves to rot so slowly he isn’t initially aware of the problem – show your sheep-biting face, and be hanged an hour! the most infectious pestilence upon thee!

Yours sincerely,
James

In light of this, if you are in possession of my phone and would now like to revoke your theft, please contact me:

:: james at jgubby.com

Fig.1: Exceptionally ugly dog

“We aren’t yet sure to what extent out usual powers can be used, and whether it is appropriate or funny to arrest an exceptionally ugly dog” said Chief Constable X(ø) who was first on the scene (although he denies he stayed there all evening).

Fig.2: An exceptionally snide cat

“This isn’t the first time we have had a problem of this kind.” added Chief Constable X(ø). “Last year we were called out to respond to an exceptionally snide cat who was allegedly terrorising children on swings by giving them rubbish easter eggs. And my colleague had to respond to a piece of human shit that mutated whilst listening to Russell Brand talk into something that strongly upheld it was a fish.”

Fig.3: Floor-based I’l eat your mother fish

Hove police have issued a statement in which they remind all residents of the need not to shoot themselves in the face, and would like to suggest all residents be wary of exceptionally ugly dogs. If any are spotted they should telephone Channel Four – who have expressed plenty of interest in this field in the past.

ran•tan•ker•ous
–adjective [ran-tang-ker-uhs] /ˈrænˈtæŋkərəs/

• Phil as OR James Dicken Transsexual
• Bestiality OR Monogomisitic pig farming AND rattlesnake abuse OR Little hairy men
• Panda pops fuel social debate OR brainwashed panther vigour OR mrat! yes please, that’s the (int *argc) AND grove dictionaries for dogs OR everybody else’s fishwives OR jgubby.com is awful

Fig.1 : Infinite monkeys programming in C++ for infinite time

Review on Live

Tickets are available online at https://www.imperialcollegeunion.org/drama-81/category.html

The caption on the right has been translated to the following:

“but you dont even *need* int listSize anymore!“

John is progressing modestly through the first few bars of The Entertainer. This is a phrase which, he tells me has been frequently used throughout his music career. Here the word career is used with the understanding that only the very strictest definition applies.

John openly admits to hating all forms of music. He says that most music is pretentious and unnecessary. When consulted on the subject, Mrs Valarie Trundle (his Piano teacher of 7 years) had only the following to say:

“The few kinds of music enjoyed by Joel are those written by calculating the arithmetic mean of the two boundaries of a road and ensuring that the recording is conducted entirely within this region.”

Unsure of what this means, and unable to evaluate the particular calculus employed by Mrs Trundle nothing can be concluded from her statement.

“Why is music all so awful, and those that play it so pretentious?” John mused one evening. Could this be a deeper social comment than initially appears? No, indeed John paws through some of the finest compositions of the century (“Fantasie impromptu”, Chopin; “Popular” from Wicked; “The Entertainer” by Scott Joplin) with the same reckless, wild abandon made popular by burglars when they first realised not everything on display was valuable. On one particular evening the whole of Wagner’s work was permanently dismissed as “one stinking heap of crap” [sic].

I will monitor his continued efforts, and updates will be posted when they become available.

The earliest sighting of Gubby Balloon was in the year 8 frenchbook. Later works including him included “The Physics Bath: Kleen ye of the filth of remeniality”

NB The following is Gubby on a Stick, and is not to be confused with Gubby Balloon.

So if on Thursday there are no cues in the vast linked list that is the pearl (I know nothing of the work of the linked list), then I cannot be held accountable.

Here one can see the ticket warden issuing the last few tickets on cars unable to get away due to a police cordon.

Unable to reach the window of the fire engine to place a ticket on it, he had erected the following sign:

Within minutes the council were able to begin removing the illegally parked fire engines from the scene. The London Fire Brigade were forced to continuously replace them, keeping a stock in Prince Consort Road:

Parking attendant Mr John Vile issued the following statement:
“Not my problem mate. One rule for all.”

The Sexiest Ads in the World: A collection of saucy advertisements from around the world; featuring amorous ads and kinky commercials. (Channel 5) (Subtitles are provided).

Here is john peeling the potatoes for Harry’s dinner. John is a potato peeler.

It occurs immediately after you select some icons and right-click in Windows XP. Normally you know exactly where on the screen you are about to move the mouse to (in this case it was delete, which is about 2 table-inches down) – and you are interrupted. What the hell is the Potential Security Risk clicking on some files? And, actually, how dare it presume that I was unaware of it?
In my opinion this is just the sort of alarmist attitude that lead to the Germaine Greer. What does it know that I don’t? Unspecified by whom?

If you are from Microsoft and would like to apologise for these programmatic outbursts, or specific which security risk I am in danger of, please email me:

:: james at jgubby.com

Many observant readers will have observed that Underground tube lines have a large cavity underneath the rails. As can be seen from this photograph of a Dock-Lands station, there is considerable space between the top track and the bed:

I realised this evening whilst travelling home that this could be used by people wishing to cower from the might of an oncoming train.

If, for example, a young boy were to fall into the path of an oncoming train, currently he would be offered a safe haven, as shown in this plan view:

To attempt to combat this problem I have added a series of randomly placed spoons to the undercarriage of the existing design. With the addition of what I call the Jams-O-Motive spoon underhangs, this situation is elegantly avoided:

The more astute amongst you may have already wondered: “What if the line ends up over-ground, where there are no cavities? Surely then the under-hung spoons would all break off, or worse, dig into the carefully laid gravel?”

This is of course correct! To prevent this from presenting a problem, the spoon mechanism could be modified as follows:

If you are from Transport For London please get in touch with me to discuss pricing:

:: james at jgubby.com

My Amazon wish-list:
Marxism for dummies (softback)
Mastering Visual Basic 6 Linear Alegbra Edition (hardback)
Frontlight for beginners (only lightback)

I’m selling:
Flannel (unwanted and unused gift)
Me and my piano (just completed)
Inflatable Jeremy Beadle (used)

The original version of this did in fact go on for 5 brain numbing pages, but it has been truncated here for reasons of sanity.

Cheers John for the great inspiration. Keep up the writing, don’t ever give up your talent.

Should programmers be allowed near musical instruments, and other avenues of creative or artistic disposition?

Should programming be done by musicians; well?

Answers on a postcard please.

Download the states-highlight.phps file from http://www.nextthing.org/code/wp-states-highlight/. Rename it states-highlight.php and put it in wordpress/plugins.

Also, get a copy of enscript.st from http://www.nextthing.org/code/enscript/ and put it in the same folder. Then enable the plugin in the admin thingy and it should work.

There is a readme in the folder of the first thing too, that tells you to put some CSS classes in various files. The admin one exists, but I couldnt find it in the layout one, so put it in the file of the theme.

Check there is enscript, too:
whereis enscript
on my fanny liberal mac it is in /usr/bin/enscript

Look at how fabulous it is:

Java:
import fixture.Fixture;
import junit.framework.TestCase;

public class Main {
public static void main(String[] args) {
Fixture f1 = new Fixture("Mac_500_Stage_Left_1");
Fixture f2 = new Fixture("Mac_500_Stage_Right_1");
}
}


C++:

#include
using namespace std;

return 0;
}