James : Rants

Problem-solving flowchart

James — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 17:00:54 +0000

Further to:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7282308.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7283112.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7284895.stm

the following was found floating upstream in the Thames, presumably away from the Houses of Parliament.

Edit: 12th Marth - I note the prophecy of my words: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7290372.stm

Chocolate oranges are available from Rawlinsons

James — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 11:51:42 +0000

Police have been called to a scene in Hove after reports that an exceptionally ugly dog has been creating a disturbance. The dog (whom we will call Jade) has allegedly been making lewd sexual remarks to attractive middle-aged women and later confounded the situation by trying to light (and smoke) a cigarette in a public bar.

“We aren’t yet sure to what extent out usual powers can be used, and whether it is appropriate or funny to arrest an exceptionally ugly dog” said Chief Constable X(ø) who was first on the scene (although he denies he stayed there all evening).

“This isn’t the first time we have had a problem of this kind.” added Chief Constable X(ø). “Last year we were called out to respond to an exceptionally snide cat who was allegedly terrorising children on swings by giving them rubbish easter eggs. And my colleague had to respond to a piece of human shit that mutated whilst listening to Russell Brand talk into something that strongly upheld it was a fish.”

Hove police have issued a statement in which they remind all residents of the need not to shoot themselves in the face, and would like to suggest all residents be wary of exceptionally ugly dogs. If any are spotted they should telephone Channel Four - who have expressed plenty of interest in this field in the past.

Failed searches

James — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:32:05 +0000

After reviewing my webserver’s logs, I would like to extend my apologies to all those who ended up on this site after searching for the following queries and found nothing that satisfied them:

Phil as OR James Dicken Transsexual
Bestiality OR Monogomisitic pig farming AND rattlesnake abuse OR Little hairy men
Panda pops fuel social debate OR brainwashed panther vigour OR mrat! yes please, that’s the (int *argc) AND grove dictionaries for dogs OR everybody else’s fishwives OR jgubby.com is awful

Arcadia

James — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:16:55 +0000

Dramsoc’s production of Arcadia is playing this week, from Wednesday to Saturday in the Union Concert Hall (Level 2). Reviews have been extremely positive, with most people I’ve spoken to saying its one of the best productions Dramsoc have done in a long time.

Review on Live

Tickets are available online at https://www.imperialcollegeunion.org/drama-81/category.html

John vs music

James — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 21:18:42 +0000

The original “beat-boxers” who were writing in the late 18th Century often said that the one thing limiting the progress of their art was the lack of functioning microphones. In some cases however the one limiting factor is a fundamental inability.

John is progressing modestly through the first few bars of The Entertainer. This is a phrase which, he tells me has been frequently used throughout his music career. Here the word career is used with the understanding that only the very strictest definition applies.

John openly admits to hating all forms of music. He says that most music is pretentious and unnecessary. When consulted on the subject, Mrs Valarie Trundle (his Piano teacher of 7 years) had only the following to say:

“The few kinds of music enjoyed by Joel are those written by calculating the arithmetic mean of the two boundaries of a road and ensuring that the recording is conducted entirely within this region.”

Unsure of what this means, and unable to evaluate the particular calculus employed by Mrs Trundle nothing can be concluded from her statement.

“Why is music all so awful, and those that play it so pretentious?” John mused one evening. Could this be a deeper social comment than initially appears? No, indeed John paws through some of the finest compositions of the century (”Fantasie impromptu”, Chopin; “Popular” from Wicked; “The Entertainer” by Scott Joplin) with the same reckless, wild abandon made popular by burglars when they first realised not everything on display was valuable. On one particular evening the whole of Wagner’s work was permanently dismissed as “one stinking heap of crap” [sic].

I will monitor his continued efforts, and updates will be posted when they become available.

Up for debate

James — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 14:24:54 +0000

I was a little shocked to discover on the BBC Website that my sex may be a subject of controversy.

i like pie

James — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 22:50:52 +0000

mmm pie

I have definitely saved it to disk

James — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 21:11:38 +0000

… and here is proof.

So if on Thursday there are no cues in the vast linked list that is the pearl (I know nothing of the work of the linked list), then I cannot be held accountable.

A graph of Intensity against Time over Blue

James — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 03:13:14 +0000

This is offered without comment.

Interesting Search

James — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 17:25:11 +0000

The following is offered without comment.

Monday night television - update

James — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 23:30:01 +0000

An offering I previously overlooked has won by a landslide:

The Sexiest Ads in the World: A collection of saucy advertisements from around the world; featuring amorous ads and kinky commercials. (Channel 5) (Subtitles are provided).

Monday night television

James — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 23:27:09 +0000

I presently find myself confronted with the following dilema. Do I watch 21st Century Bach: Concertato, Preulde and Fugue in D (BWV 532) on BBC 2 (which explores the uneven temperament) or The Sex Inspectors on Channel 4, in which presenters offer their advice to couples who are having trouble in the bedroom?

John Peeling the potatoes

James — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 14:26:11 +0000

Here is john peeling the potatoes for Harry’s dinner. John is a potato peeler.

Shocking development

James — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 12:04:42 +0000

A development has been made on the case of the letter bombs earlier in the week. The police have managed to narrow it down to all of the population.

The Bodge and the Ramsa

James — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 22:00:54 +0000

Inspired by the algorithmic musings of John I present The bodge and the Ramsa.
The Bodge and the Ramsa are sitting on the UCH stage after a long cultural show strike.
Ramsa: Bodge old dear, it would seem our placement together is most fortuitous, since as you may be well aware there is a big event in here tomorrow.
Bodge: Disregarding the impromptu, although probable coincidence of our enmeetment, dear Ramsa, was there something with which I might assist you?
Ramsa: Well, dear Bodge, tomorrow Thomas’ school are coming.
Bodge: Why on earth would I want to know that Ramsa, old bean, old pal?
Ramsa: Ah, you may recall that last year they only had Speakon connections on their amplifiers.
Bodge: I do recall that indeed.
Ramsa: Well Bodge, I happened to observe Speakon Cable, our old buddy from the Audio roadbox all coiled up alone the other day, and I couldn’t help but ponder. You do know I take only the antiquated speaker XLR connection.
Bodge: Really Ramsa, I must interject. You really are making no sense. What on earth has this to do with me?
Ramsa: I think I also have a three-quarter inch jack
Bodge: Quite, but is this of any consequence?
Ramsa: Wouldn’t it be jolly grand, Bodge, if somehow I could provide the sound reinforcement for the Thomas’ event?
Bodge: Oh, well yes Ramsa, that would be grand indeed. But many have fallen in pursuit of far less lofty goals than this. You don’t have Speakon, do you?
Ramsa: No. That, as well as a sub 50Hz cone is one thing I lack. But don’t you see, if you were to help me, Bodge, I could be part of the array! You could bodge between speakon and power XLR for me!
Bodge: But I bodge from XLR to speakon
Ramsa: Oh.

The original version of this did in fact go on for 5 brain numbing pages, but it has been truncated here for reasons of sanity.

Cheers John for the great inspiration. Keep up the writing, don’t ever give up your talent.

The Entertainer

James — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 21:27:20 +0000

I am listening to John attempt to play the entertainer (proper, full version) on the piano. This is causing me no small amount of discomfort, which leads me to the following questions:

Should programmers be allowed near musical instruments, and other avenues of creative or artistic disposition?

Should programming be done by musicians; well?

Answers on a postcard please.

First post

James — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 16:41:50 +0000

I would like to state that the pervious post was *not* made by me. I never write instructions to myself in the pretentious 2nd person, and rebuke claims that I am a “C++ Homosexual”

Hello world!

admin — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 15:55:31 +0000

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