An Englishman’s House

September 11, 2007 on 4:10 pm | In rubbish | 1 Comment

In a survey of their worst nightmares, the middle class answered the following:

  • Running out of olive oil
  • Runnout out of potpourri
  • A “Safe-Way” opening within 800 miles of a loved one
  • Being robbed in the night
  • The cancellation of Heartbeat1

 


Fig.1: Some delicious potpourri

These concerns will be addressed in order of priority.

  1. Oilve oil can be purchased at Waitrose.
  2. Potpourri is just stuff from the bin.
  3. The middle class are far more likely to be robbed than a new Safeway store opens.


Fig.2: This man is certainly from the east end

There is a large amount of controversy surrounding whether one should defend themselves from possible attack in their own home. At what stage is it acceptable to defend one’s self? Is pre-emptive defence a form of unmitigated attack? Does a person give up their right to expect safety when entering a home illegally?
There have been numerous cases where people have been imprisoned for harming a person found in their house. Unfortunately, being robbed in the night by some despicable pirate porch-climber is becoming more and more likely, and one can find as many stories about people being attacked in their own home as they can stories about teenagers over-eating and having sex.

Intruder attacks woman in kitchen
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/nottinghamshire/4556788.stm

Pensioner frightens intruder with stick
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/1759106.stm

Man assaulted by intruder at home
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staffordshire/4160126.stm

Pensioner is attacked in her home
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/3862769.stm

The middle class have an almost unearthly desire to bash something in the head, but unfortunately they recently must also conform to the same laws as the common.3. The more a burglar expects to be attacked when entering a home, the more likely he is to arm himself. The only action one may take and guarantee to avoid prosecution when faced with a potential intruder is to calmly turn to one’s spouse and state:

“Margaret! Margaret! I see it so that you have awoken. Downstairs there is a burglar. This offends me primarily in that my most sacred sanctity of possession has be unduly violated, and my perception of innate refuge within my domicile henceforth abandoned. But judge us not, dear Margaret the nature and disposition of those who wish to defile our sanctimonium of conciliation. Let us return to sleep and hope, that as we do so we will be pierced not by cutlasses of malevolence but enter the innocuous kingdom of placidity - and in which point I shall take no further action.”

 
In years past, the easy solution was to hire a local huntsman to stand near your house, who would simply fire his blunderbuss3 in all directions until tea time.


Fig.3: Each terrible robber is more dead than the one to the left and to the right of him

This rather dated approach to home safety has become unfashionable since huntsmen are imaginary.
The following popular methods have also reliably shown themselves to be ineffective against burglars.

  • Fig.4: You might as well go fishing

  • Fig.5: Arming one’s self both to and from the teeth

  • Fig.6: The house is easily lifted to remove valuables

  • Fig.7: Just be nice, maybe he will go away

Under English law none of the above ways to secure the home are acceptable (bar being nice, which is specifically ineffective). In 1628 Sir Edward Coke, a member of parliament and legal advisor to King James wrote:

“It is against reason, that if wrong be done any man, that he thereof should be his own judge.” For it is a maxime in law, aliquis non debet esse judex in propria causa.

This would imply that upon suspecting an intrusion in the home, for one to leap down the stairs with a cricket bat in the bloodthirsty manner of a starving hyena is illegal.

“Householders who injure or even kill intruders are unlikely to be prosecuted - providing they were acting ‘honestly and instinctively‘, new guidelines say. The law also protects those who use ‘something to hand‘ as a weapon.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4224473.stm

Under my interpretation of UK law, if a burglar somehow perishes in your home and no body is ever found, or DNA recovered, or admissions made or guilt felt then that is definitely legal. One evening whilst pondering this in a restaurant I happened across a particularly fine example of the ubiquitous electric wire fly-catcher device. Every few minutes a fly would try his chances near the kitchen and meet his end in doing so.


Fig.8: Inspiration often comes from the kitchen

This genius device attracts the fly away from the delicious food under preparation towards a pleasant blue glow. Unbeknownst to the fly, between himself and said glow is a terrible, terrible electric grate which upon crossing abolishes the fly immediately. The crucial part to this is the fly enters the grate of his own free will. Would it not be frightfully cunning if such a device could be extended to catch humans, also?

 

I hereby present:
    “The James Englishman’s House Burglar Ensnaglerer“:


Fig.9A: The James Englishman’s House Burglar Ensnaglerer

As one can see, the same principle has been applied as per Fig. 8. The vilest embezzler de la nuit has been cleanly and efficiently extinguished by the 3000 trillion volt (DC) potential of the Burglar Ensnaglerer. (Simple calculations suggest that a human thief has 10 times the bad intention of his fly relative). He will become stuck to the outer mesh5 until safely removed at arm’s length with a broom.

If you represent a middle class family with a desire to purchase one or more Burglar Ensnaglerers, please get in touch with me to discuss pricing:

:: james at jgubby dot com

 
 

Appendixes
1 Heartbeat (noun): a programme which serves only to accommodate the prejudice of the middle class.
2 Blunderbuss (noun): like a gun but far more middle class

Appendix 3: Cow Granny. It is not uncommon for the elderly proletariat to be cows.

Appendix 4: Here is an artists rendering of a burglar upon realising there is a large amount of gold afoot. For some reason his brain is visible.

Appendix 5: Failure to remove the burglar from the ensnaglerer will result in the slow and disgusting deterioration of the burglar.

Fig. 9B : The longer you leave it, the less pleasant it is to clean.

NB: Always consult a qualified electrician before prying the bastard remains of the burglar from the device.

Packet switching === Intermittent connectivity

September 11, 2007 on 2:38 pm | In Rants | No Comments

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