James : Rants

Police have been called to a scene in Hove after reports that an exceptionally ugly dog has been creating a disturbance. The dog (whom we will call Jade) has allegedly been making lewd sexual remarks to attractive middle-aged women and later confounded the situation by trying to light (and smoke) a cigarette in a public bar.

Fig.1: Exceptionally ugly dog

“We aren’t yet sure to what extent out usual powers can be used, and whether it is appropriate or funny to arrest an exceptionally ugly dog” said Chief Constable X(ø) who was first on the scene (although he denies he stayed there all evening).

Fig.2: An exceptionally snide cat

“This isn’t the first time we have had a problem of this kind.” added Chief Constable X(ø). “Last year we were called out to respond to an exceptionally snide cat who was allegedly terrorising children on swings by giving them rubbish easter eggs. And my colleague had to respond to a piece of human shit that mutated whilst listening to Russell Brand talk into something that strongly upheld it was a fish.”

Fig.3: Floor-based I’l eat your mother fish

Hove police have issued a statement in which they remind all residents of the need not to shoot themselves in the face, and would like to suggest all residents be wary of exceptionally ugly dogs. If any are spotted they should telephone Channel Four – who have expressed plenty of interest in this field in the past.

After reviewing my webserver’s logs, I would like to extend my apologies to all those who ended up on this site after searching for the following queries and found nothing that satisfied them:

• Phil as OR James Dicken Transsexual
• Bestiality OR Monogomisitic pig farming AND rattlesnake abuse OR Little hairy men
• Panda pops fuel social debate OR brainwashed panther vigour OR mrat! yes please, that’s the (int *argc) AND grove dictionaries for dogs OR everybody else’s fishwives OR jgubby.com is awful

Dramsoc’s production of Arcadia is playing this week, from Wednesday to Saturday in the Union Concert Hall (Level 2). Reviews have been extremely positive, with most people I’ve spoken to saying its one of the best productions Dramsoc have done in a long time.

Review on Live

Tickets are available online at https://www.imperialcollegeunion.org/drama-81/category.html

The original “beat-boxers” who were writing in the late 18th Century often said that the one thing limiting the progress of their art was the lack of functioning microphones. In some cases however the one limiting factor is a fundamental inability.

John is progressing modestly through the first few bars of The Entertainer. This is a phrase which, he tells me has been frequently used throughout his music career. Here the word career is used with the understanding that only the very strictest definition applies.

John openly admits to hating all forms of music. He says that most music is pretentious and unnecessary. When consulted on the subject, Mrs Valarie Trundle (his Piano teacher of 7 years) had only the following to say:

“The few kinds of music enjoyed by Joel are those written by calculating the arithmetic mean of the two boundaries of a road and ensuring that the recording is conducted entirely within this region.”

Unsure of what this means, and unable to evaluate the particular calculus employed by Mrs Trundle nothing can be concluded from her statement.

“Why is music all so awful, and those that play it so pretentious?” John mused one evening. Could this be a deeper social comment than initially appears? No, indeed John paws through some of the finest compositions of the century (”Fantasie impromptu”, Chopin; “Popular” from Wicked; “The Entertainer” by Scott Joplin) with the same reckless, wild abandon made popular by burglars when they first realised not everything on display was valuable. On one particular evening the whole of Wagner’s work was permanently dismissed as “one stinking heap of crap” [sic].

I will monitor his continued efforts, and updates will be posted when they become available.

I was a little shocked to discover on the BBC Website that my sex may be a subject of controversy.

mmm pie